The Hunt for the Afikomen...in Utah
Tonight is the first night of Passover. And Dear Reader, I am a Wandering Jew.
Before we dive into the rich tapestry of that last sentence, first let's do a quick primer on Passover for those who may not know the in's and out's.
First off, Judaism is pronounced "JU-dy-ism" not "ju-DAY-ism." It's like we're worshipping someone named "Judy." (For the record, it turned out that there is a God, there's a pretty good chance she's a no-nonsense woman named Judy.)
Secondly, Passover is the Jewish holiday that commemorates the Exodus story. You may know it from hit media, such as The Prince of Egypt, Let My Babies Go (The Rugrats Passover Episode), and The Supper from "The Last Supper."
The Passover/Exodus story is a traditional five act play:
Act I - The Inciting Incident / Prologue
Two households, divided. (Egyptians and Jews)
The plot of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat is the prequel, and now we've got a bad pharaoh who doesn't like the influence of "international bankers" on his Egypt-First, "Make the New Kingdom Great Again" policies, so he enslaves the Jews and says that firstborn Jewish boys will be killed.
Enter our hero: a baby.
Moses is born, Moses' mom put him in reed basket, the Egyptian princess finds Moses, thinks he's cute, straight-up adopts him on the spot like she's a millennial looking for a rescue dog in a pandemic. Then Moses' older sister, Miriam, does some smooth-talking to get their biological mother hired as Moses' wet-nurse. (Fulfilling the prophecy from Beyoncé 7:11, "Who run the world? Girls." and also appeasing everyone who was real militant about the importance of breastfeeding.)
Act II - Conflict
Moses grows up as a prince, sees a Jewish slave being beaten, merc's the slaver, and then runs away to the countryside to live as a shepherd or goat herder until the heat dies down.
He then sees the burning bush, where God talks to him and tells him he needs to go free his people.
Act III - Rising Action
Moses—fully bearded now—returns to Egypt and demands, "Let my people go!" It's very dramatic.
Pharaoh says, "No."
Pharaoh says "no" 10 times. Each time he says "no," there's a plague, each time it's worse than the last one. Sometimes they're bad on a personal level (ex. darkness, can't see) or on a larger socioeconomic level (ex. disrupting Egyptian Big Beef's supply chain by killing all the cattle).
(How many think-pieces do you think have been written about the the boat blocking the Suez Canal—which is in Egypt—happening right before Passover?? Is every Rabbi going to make this connection or just 100% of them?)
The climax is that the last plague is the Death of the Firstborn, where Pharaoh's son dies. Finally, the Pharaoh lets Moses and the Jews leave.
Act IV - Falling Action
The Jews can leave Egypt, but they have to do it fast! No time for bread to rise! (Matzah!)
There is an Exodus from Egypt! That's the name of the book!
But Pharaoh changes his mind again (typical wishy-washy politician, amirite?!?!) and sends an army after the Jews.
(Who are technically called Israelites at this point in the bible, but for the sake of clarity and ease—and because I'm writing this stream of consciousness and am too lazy to go back and edit—we'll call them "the Jews.")
Oh no! The Jews are trapped between the Egyptian Army and the water! What will happen to them when we come back from our final commercial break?!?!
Act V - Denouement
God parts the sea, the Jews run across, Egyptian army follows, sea un-parts and the Egyptians drown. The Jews can go to the promised land! A happy ending! (And by "happy," I actually mean "lots of preventable death for the Egyptians.")
So what does this have to do with Joshua Linden, a Jewish individual, in the year 2021?
Well, like the Biblical Jews, I am also on a last-minute trip to Zion.
Long story short, I'm going to be in Utah for a couple of days and for the beginning of Passover to visit with Nora and her family. I am writing this email from a flight, which I seriously hope does not last for 40 years. (Also secretly hoping to see Donny Osmond.)
So when Nora and her mom asked me, "Have you thought about how you're getting matzah in Utah?" I realized I had no good answer. I didn't have the proverbial time to let the bread rise, so I hadn't thought about it.
My first thought was to bring matzah on the plane with me from Chicago. This, ultimately, was not going to work.
Sure, I could find matzah easily in Chicago, but have you ever tried to pick up a piece of matzah without breaking it, let alone bring it in a carry-on? Matzah is more fragile than my emotional state after the last 20 minutes of Pixar's Coco. It's "Don't talk to me, don't look at me" fragile. I'd end up with a box full of tiny saltwater crackers.
So I turned my attention to finding matzah in Utah.
The first place I called was Feldman's Deli in Salt Lake City. Everyone knows that the deli is the lifeblood of the Jewish community (they also posted on Twitter that they'd be selling passover platters.)
After calling and being put on hold for five minutes, a very nice, very gentile young man told me that they weren't going to be selling matzah on its own and that the platters weren't going to be sold until next week. They only had enough for their own service, but I could try a grocery store chain's "ethnic foods" section or call the Salt Lake City JCC.
So obviously I called the Salt Lake City JCC.
Which exists. It's real. They answered my call with a "Shalom! How may we help you?"
I also struck out with the JCC. I could sign up for a group water aerobics class, but unfortunately they would not be selling matzah this year due to COVID restrictions. I was able to get some hot leads on where I might be able to find matzah, but that's it.
I still haven't found the matzah, but I'm bullish on the possibility. (I do have matzah ball soup mix in my carry-on, don't worry, Mom.)
But what I do have is apparently a deep connection to the Utah Jewish community.
Are there enough Jews there to hold a legitimate service? I don't know.
Am I the de-facto rabbi of this community? This I also don't know.
But am I about to wander through the desert to find matzah? You bet yer sweet ass I am.
Long live Jew-tah!