Rules of Re-Entry #3: The Restaurant Ordering Banter Dance
In preparation for our eventual reintegration into whatever society looks like post-pandemic, I'm back with some timely refreshers and expertise about the social Do's and Don't's of non-quarantine life.
Rules of Re-Entry #3: The Restaurant Ordering Banter Dance
Restaurants are opening back up. But with the necessary COVID precautions in place, table-side interactions with your server have been mercifully short (or even non-existent).
There will come a time, however, that you'll need to (and maybe even want to) banter with your server as you're ordering drinks and food.
This is your definitive guide to nailing that interaction like we didn't just have 15+ months of soul-crushing isolation.
Rule #1: Ignore the height difference
You're seated. The server is standing. It's weird, when you think about it.
On the one hand, you feel a little bit like a child as this well-intentioned adult walks you through the menu to make sure you don't choose something yucky.
On the other, they're on their feet all day while you recline like 16th century European royalty afraid to have callouses on your hands or a trace of a tan.
Even if you're not eye-to-eye, remember that you're both equal partners.
Rule #2: No matter what the special is, you need to feign interest
Chef worked really hard on this menu, the least you can do is give a knowing glance and/or make a sound that seems like you're intrigued, even if everyone knows it sounds worse than the regular items and two times the price.
We live in a society, goddamnit, and common decency still exists.
Rule #3: Play coy
Don't order on the first go-around!
The server will ask if you're ready to order and you're going to say to them one of the following things:
If you know what you want to drink: "We haven't even had a chance to look at the menu."
If you know your whole meal order: "I don't know if I'm quite ready yet - maybe in a few minutes?"
If you've studied the menu in advance and have known what you're going to order since yesterday afternoon: "Maybe we'll get the drinks in now. We need a little more time with the menu."
Play a little cat and mouse! Leave them wanting more! You're worth it!
Rule #4: Ignore Rule #3 if you're hungry
No more games, just food. Lower the boom with an "Actually, I think we're ready to order now" and book your one-way ticket to Flavortown.
Rule #5: Follow the recommendation flow chart
It's fine to ask for a recommendation from your server. It's great! I do it all the time! But you're crossing into advanced ordering territory, and you better be able to hold your own in the tango that you're about to perform with your server.
It's going to be intimate. It's going to be complicated. But if done right, it's going to be satisfying as hell.
The Open-Ended Ask, AKA "What do you recommend?"
High risk, high reward. It puts all the pressure on the server to deliver an A+ answer, so it really should only be used in a situation where there's a small menu and everything legitimately sounds good.
If you ask this question—a question where you're abdicating all agency in your order—be prepared that you have to order whatever they recommend. If they tell you to order the pork loin, you are ordering the pork loin. There is no going back and saying, "You know what, I'll actually have the halibut." That's akin to telling them, "Well, I didn't have an opinion going in, but now that you told be about that absolutely whack dish, I think I actually know way better than you and there's no way I'll ever trust your opinion again!"
The only way out of this blood pact is if the server recommends the most expensive thing on the menu. Unless they (a) really gush about it and (b) acknowledge that it's the most expensive item, but (c) it's absolutely worth it, you're protected under the This Is An Upsell Clause of the Paris Restaurant Accords. In this one case—and only in this one case where all the above criteria are met—you can backtrack with a "That sounds great, but maybe I'll go for something a little lighter."
If they recommend a few menu items? Then you have to choose one of them, which is a lot like...
The A/B Ask, AKA "I'm trying to decide between..."
Like in the last example, you're committing yourself to the recommendation of the server. But this time, you've done some pre-chewing.(Though actually hopefully not any actual pre-chewing. Gross.)
To maximize your chances of success, you're going to want to thread the needle between presenting your server with two options that are different enough to actually elicit an opinion, but not so different that you get an "Oh, wow, those are so different."
This is not the time to ask for a recommendation between a savory and a sweet brunch option. That's not your server's job. That is for you to work out between you and your god before you step past the threshold of the restaurant.
This is the time to understand if you should be ordering an egg-based brunch dish or a non-egg-based dish. You are running an A/B test.
Here's how it has to go down at this point:
You can only ask about two dishes. Any more than that and it was a waste of paper or internet data to have created a menu that you, another human, could read and use to form a decision.
If the server is super clear that one option is better than the other, you're legally required to go with the better one.
If the server is up in the air about your choices and both seem good, trust your ears-to-tummy-pipeline reaction. Whichever sounds better to you is better for you. You're worth it.
If it really is a toss up, both sound good, and you're dining with a Known Sharer, you must now open the "Do we get one of each and share?" negotiations.
If your partner and you want to share, you now must share. This is the best result for everyone, including the server. Everyone feels like they did a good job.
If your partner does not want to share the two options (or you are the partner of someone asking for a suggestion and you do not want to share), you must reply with a "No, I'm getting what I want!" joke. Then you, your partner, and the server must all laugh.
If all else fails, get the more expensive option. You're worth it!
Rule #6: If you look at the dessert menu, you have to order dessert
You have one moment to say no, and it's when your server asks if you want to see a dessert menu.
If you do not want dessert, you say, "We're so stuffed, I don't think we could eat another bite." That's the safe phrase.
But f you agree to a dessert menu, you have to get something. I don't care if you winked out a coy, "We could take a peek..." and then the dessert menu was bad. Order a coffee or a tea. It's the least you can do.
Rule #7: Tip well
Duh. 20%+. Maybe 25% or 30% because restaurant workers have been putting their lives on the line for months and/or been out of work. I don't care if they were clumsy or rude—capitalism and the government fucked them, they rely on tips, and it's the least you can do.